With the tension building to almost unbearable levels over who will clinch the 2010 Driver Championship, I've read many opinions and statistics on the possible outcome. It's the sort of drama you experience watching a film which makes you wonder how the race could be interpreted on the big screen.
So here are a few possible conclusions to the Abu-Dhabi race presented in various film styles...
Lewis Hamilton on top of the world: The Period Drama.
The Lord Lewis of Hamilton (wearing his lucky tights and favourite codpiece) strode up to the Gentleman known as Master Fernando and announced that he intended to duel him. The good sir agreed and the two entered their chariots to commence racing. Pretty soon the silver steed of Hamilton managed to tire Fernando's prancing horse and the red-clad stallion sputtered to a halt. As Master Fernando walked dejected to the side of the arena, Lord Hamilton witnessed another duel up ahead. Markus Webber and and Sir Bastion Vettel were coming close to fisticuffs as the wheels of their chariots met on several occasions. "Thou art driving like a lunatic" exclaimed Sir Bastion as he gestured that Webber was perhaps mentally defective. The two rode parallel, pushing to the very limit as each sought to complete the race first. However, as both steered to the left, further contact was made and the bull powered chariots collided in such a fashion that both were rendered quite useless.
Lord Lewis sped on through the carnage, waving his handkerchief to the crowd and bidding farewell to the gentlemen who had tried but failed to reach the end of the race. That evening over crumpets and tea, Lord Lewis felt positively on top of the world as he looked over at his new trophy.
Lord Lewis sped on through the carnage, waving his handkerchief to the crowd and bidding farewell to the gentlemen who had tried but failed to reach the end of the race. That evening over crumpets and tea, Lord Lewis felt positively on top of the world as he looked over at his new trophy.
Webber wins the championship: in French film-noir.
The sound of a Rouge-Bull engine fills the speakers as a grainy black and white RB6 enters the screen before disappearing into the dusky Yas Marina Bay distance. After dominating the race with monsieurs Webber and Alonso behind, Vettel with one hand on the wheel, slowly removes his cigarette before mumbling that it's time to "balance things out, mon amis". His hand replaces the cigarette so that it hangs loosely on his lips, he then relaxes the throttle and Webber pulls ahead to take the win. As the two team mates step out of their cars after a lap of honour they embrace and walk away with arms around shoulders. The champagne sprayed over the crowd moments later is an oak matured, zesty little number from a compact family-run vineyard.
Alonso clinches 3rd Driver crown: The American dream – a Hollywood account.
It's the last race of the season - the Philadelphia Grand Prix. We see Fernando 'the Fonz' Alonso talking in an American accent during an interview before the race. His record breaking qualifying lap has created a buzz and the paddock is in awe. He starts the race well in his Ford Ferrari (sporting a 'stars and stripes' paint-job) and looks set for an easy win. But there's disaster in the pits for team mate Randy Massa, and Fonz Alonso stops to assist the mechanics. Now at the back of the pack Alonso has to battle through to the front. As he attempts overtaking manoeuvres never before believed possible he inspires those who watch him and battles with nemesis Petrov in a shameful exploitation of Cold War prejudice to clinch a win in front of a whooping crowd. As he stands on the highest step on the podium he shouts "God bless America" and tells kids that drugs are wrong before marrying his fiancée at Elvis themed ceremony.
Vettel becomes world champ: The ‘Carry On’ film style farce.
Seb Vettel is a cheeky young driver who has enjoyed an night of naughty exploits in order to relax for the big race. He stifles a grin as Alonso (played by Sid James) boasts to him and Webber that he’s already done it twice already and fancies doing it a third time in front of everybody on the track. He moves along the pit wall to be interviewed by mini-skirt clad journalist who giggles before asking him if she can touch his helmet. After a series of innuendo-laced questions (“Will Alonso come at you from behind?”) it’s time to clear the track and start the race.
Vettel doesn’t get off to a good start, he falls to fourth behind his team mate, Hamilton, and Alonso. But midway through the race both Webber and Hamilton are distracted by the local outdoors keep-fit club when a move involving arms being flung out to the side results in the pinging off of a bra. Both drivers swerve off into the gravel and Alonso’s car overheats when an air-duct is blocked by a rogue airborne brazier. Vettel cruises to an easy victory while a group of girls giggle at the commentator referring to Kubica as an “excited Pole”.
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Brilliant post. There's too many lines I like, I might just steal some of them. :P Also, I'm well freaked out that you predicted the Alonso-Petrov duel. Nice one!
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