A celebration of the McLaren MP4-4

Formula 1 is a sport where machines are just as crucial as the people involved. They represent the pinnacle of technological innovation and without a good car a Formula 1 team can’t expect to challenge for a championship. There have been some eye-catching designs over years, and not always for the right reasons! One of the most memorable being Niki Lauda’s Grand Prix winning 1978 car which was banned straight after one race for being a bit too radical – a massive fan at the rear created a vacuum under the car so that it could take corners at incredible speed. There have been six wheelers, strange protrusions, and bizarre front wings over the years, but there have also been some beauties – the most famous of which probably being the black and gold ‘John Player Special’ Lotus’. Most fans have their favourite, and for me the iconic McLaren MP4-4 is the F1 car I’d most love to sit inside for a photo! Here is the brief story of a car which became a star during the single year it was able to race…

During his time in Formula 1, Engineer Gordon Murray pushed boundaries and conceived radical designs. In 1987 he developed the incredibly low Brabham BT55. The low centre of gravity was designed to help the car stick to the track. The rear wing effectively had no bodywork in front of it as the rest of the car was so low to the ground, with uninterrupted airflow the wing should (in theory) be incredibly efficient – even if it did mean that the driver had to practically lie down to drive the thing.

It didn’t quite work though, drag was too high and reliability issues meant that having a car actually finish the race was a bonus. Brabham only scored 2 constructor points during the season but Murray was convinced that the engineering principles were still valid, when he moved to McLaren he had an another attempt at a low body chassis.

McLaren’s 1987 season wasn’t as bad as Brabham’s, but it was still a disappointing year with Williams clearly the strongest of the pack and McLaren claiming only three victories. 1988 was to be the last year of turbo engines and in an effort to make the transition easier, most F1 teams were designing their 1988 car with next years engines in mind. McLaren took a different approach and having gained the Honda engine package which had worked so well for Williams, they built their car around the turbo engine rather than plan ahead. Combining the most powerful engine on the grid with Murray’s radical design was a masterstroke, the result was the MP4-4 – one of the most successful cars in F1 history.

MP4-4 was the class of the field, a great car for two incredible drivers: World Champion Alain Prost and Aryton Senna. The car would make Ayrton Senna a world champion for the first time.   

To say that McLaren’s MP4-4 was dominant is an understatement, of the sixteen races in 1988 it won fifteen. By the end of the season McLaren had notched up 199 constructor points …their nearest rivals were Ferrari with 65. The car was beautiful with McLaren’s usual white and ‘rocket’ red livery, being so low to the ground the rear wing stood proud and the cars found their main rivals to be each other.

Prost’s victory in the first race was indicative of McLaren’s performance for the rest of the season, the other drivers almost expected to be lapped by a McLaren at some stage of the race. Complete dominance may suggest that the championship battle was a boring one, especially when you consider that the constructor’s championship was won with five races left to go! The driver’s championship however was one of the most thrilling in F1 history and turned the track into an arena where Prost and Senna duelled to win the most  races. The old scoring system used only the best 11 race results for each driver, so with by far the best car, both drivers knew that the most number of wins would be crucial to securing the championship.

The MP4-4 raced for only one year, the change in engine regulations meant that it would never race beyond 1988, but it has become a legend in the sport and is one of the most celebrated vehicles in motorsport history. It provided a terrific return to prominence for McLaren and proved Murray’s design theory correct, but most memorably it enabled Ayrton Senna to achieve a world championship, the first of three.

F1 Legend: Graham Hill

With his striking facial features; his strong nose, large chin and handsome smile, Hill looked like he’d walked straight off a movie set – a dashing fighter pilot perhaps back from a daring mission. He was as famous as any film star of the time and the spirit of the swinging sixties fuelled his love to party – especially with the ladies.  Hill did actually appear in several race-themed movies and even if he only had brief appearances, he always seemed to make an impression. He looked almost old fashioned but his wit and humour could never be contained and he certainly wasn’t the stuffy gentlemen he could have been mistaken for at first glance.

Here is a brief history of arguably the most charming man to compete in Formula 1…

In 1953 a motorbike enthusiast saw an advert for a chance to drive a racing car around Brands Hatch for 5 shillings a lap – he’d never even seen a motorcar race before but rather fancied the thrill. Those four laps changed Graham Hill’s life – it gave him a new passion and one he would turn into a very successful career.

Graham Hill raced in F1 for 2 decades and won the championship twice. But strangely, whenever we look back at him we don’t necessarily think of him as a double world champion, instead we are hypnotised by his inimitable charm and remember Graham Hill as the most charismatic driver in the sports history – and all this from a man who didn’t even have a driving license until his mid-twenties!

Working as a jobbing mechanic who received payment in the form of time behind the wheel rather than cash, he managed to get a job at Lotus where he persuaded them to let him have a drive. 5 years after paying to do four laps at Brands Hatch he found himself about to race in his first Formula 1 Grand Prix – at Monaco, he was challenging for a podium finish until his car fell to pieces! The Lotus proved to be unreliable and Hill eventually left the team for a seat at BRM. He was an integral part of the team there, and was as much a grease-monkey as a driver. Together the team put together an impressive package and in 1962 he claimed the world championship – and with it he became a British national treasure.

As it happens, Graham’s old team had worked on their reliability issues and along with their new driver, Jim Clark, provided formidable competition for Hill. Clark won a hat-trick of championships with Hill as runner-up. The battles between the two top drivers in the sport provided some iconic sparring on the track, but at Monaco Hill was still king and he dominance there was held in high regard by fans.

Hill found that competition came not only from his rival at Lotus, but from within his own team when natural winner Jackie Stewart joined BRM before moving on to Tyrrell. The two team mates were fiercely competitive on the track but became solid friends, Hill even abandoned his race to help Jackie out of his smashed up BRM during a particularly bad crash at Spa. Hill, Stewart and Clark were top ranking drivers and great friends, and with Hill being the most extroverted of the three he became the natural ‘ringleader’ with the trio enjoying some raucous nights out together.

The British invasion spilled into America too and Hill won the Indianapolis 500 during his first attempt – and America was where the money was. His winnings bought him an aeroplane! The aeroplane was a favourite toy of his and was used regularly as his racing commitments became greater. His busy calendar came at the expense of family life. With a wife and three children missing his presence at home and reading about his exploits in the newspapers the relationship was strained but appeared to be an acceptable sacrifice for the lifestyle where were becoming accustomed to.

Meanwhile, back in Formula 1 his days at BRM were yielding fewer results and Lotus were on form – Hill re-joined his former team to much fanfare – it was a dream team of two British champions, the Lewis and Jenson of their age! Unfortunately though the Lotus cars still had a habit of breaking part way through the race and times in the garage were often frustrating. Hill was used to having major input at BRM but his suggestions at Lotus were frequently seen as meddling.

Family life seemed to improve though and Jim Clark was a regular at the Hill House. Parties shifted from night clubs to a more domestic setting and garden parties were frequent. Hill was quite an old fashioned father and expected his children to behave, but he certainly wasn’t a cold dad – he showed his children affection and enjoyed playing with them. He always looked older than he was which often masked the fact that he was incredibly fit and loved joining in their games and activities. Their wealth meant that they took regular holidays and the family ensured that they maximised the time they spent together. Graham Hill was living the dream but motor racing is dangerous and the tragic elements of the sport were brought home in 1968…

…Hill’s good friend and team-mate Jimmy Clark was the best driver the sport had seen, but during a race event at Hockenheim he crashed and died as a result of his injuries. Hill and the rest of the Lotus team were devastated and shortly after, driver Mike Spence was asked to take Clark’s seat shortly before being killed in a Lotus at the Indy 500.  Lotus lost their motivation but Hill’s resolve is attributed to the team picking up the pieces and focussing on winning again. Although Hill won his second championship that year it was under sad circumstances and he dedicated his championship to his good friend Jimmy Clark.

Deaths were overshadowing Formula 1 but Jackie Stewart’s campaign to raise safety in Motorsport was being taken seriously and significant changes were being made. However, in 1969 Hill scared his fans when he crashed heavily and broke both legs. His injuries were serious and he almost lost both his knees.

However, he was determined to get behind the wheel and worked hard to become fit again. After a period of recuperation he returned to F1 even though he couldn’t yet walk properly. After being lifted into the car he finished well, but when he returned fully fit, a younger generation of drivers were making names for themselves and he was no longer taken seriously as a championship contender. However, he did add to his trophy collection by winning the Le Mans endurance race in ’72 – showing that he had lost none of his determination and still had what it took to win.

The signal that his F1 days were over came in 1975 when the former ‘King of Monaco’ failed to even qualify at Monte Carlo where he had enjoyed five blistering wins previously. Struggling to find a secure seat Hill focussed on his own racing team “Embassy Hill”. There he nurtured young talent and Tony Brise was a promising driver whom Hill had acquired from Williams. By now though Graham Hill was a regular on television and his career wasn’t as reliant on his racing, instead his personality propelled him through his appearances and people genuinely enjoyed listening to him. He was on talk shows and gave speeches at award ceremonies, he was a favourite at car events and some suspect he may even have become a good actor if he had decided to take that path.

However in 1975, motorsport found itself mourning the loss of a great character who had captured the imagination of a nation when the aeroplane he was piloting crashed, Hill and his passengers (including protégé Tony Brise) were killed after his plane came in too low through thick fog and clipped some trees. Graham Hill had raced during a time of immense change in Formula 1. When he first started it was a sport for motoring enthusiasts and gentlemen, a sport where mechanics worked in wooden sheds and cobbled together incredibly fast cars using their engineering know-how. Throughout the seventies the business of F1 had changed as much as the shape of the cars had, corporate interest and big money was evolving Formula 1 into the sort of modern sport we see today with TV rights and sponsorship money responsible for a lot of what was seen. Despite the sheer spectacle that Formula 1 provided, Graham Hill still stood out as a genuinely interesting and larger than life character.

He left F1 two gifts when he died – firstly his son Damon who would capture the hearts of fans when he became world champion twenty years later, but perhaps more importantly he stamped into history an enduring image of an utterly charming man. If you ever look at archive footage of him, unlike the other drivers who continue having conversations with their engineers or focus on what they’re doing, Hill turns to the camera to give a cheeky wink, blow a kiss or deliver one of those amazing smiles which make you feel as if you’ve known him personally for years. 

That is how Graham Hill is best remembered.

Twitter and it's impact on F1 fandom...

A week or so ago, I stumbled across an online article about the racing scene in America. There the various teams and drivers interact regularly with their fans. It pointed out that Formula 1 is pretty inaccessible by those who follow it and stated that the fans rarely get the chance to get close to their heroes. But I think that’s changing thanks to the wonders of the internet….

I resisted the social network sites for while but now I’ve taken the plunge. Many teams have their official Facebook pages where various updates appear, but it’s on Twitter where fandom really takes a hold and forms a solid source for F1 news and views. Twitter democratises the internet in a way which is almost impossible anywhere else, I can tweet comments and I have access to the same 140 characters as esteemed icons such as Mark Webber, Jenson Button, or official team accounts like McLaren or Ferrari. Of course – I have far less people viewing my comments - but I still get a chance to put across my views, and as long as I tweet things which are occasionally interesting then they may get re-tweeted to a wider audience.

I follow as many F1 fans as possible so I can see what they think and enjoy their comments. Some of them stand out more than others with their witty, thoughtful, and often controversial views. I can respond to them, I can forward their messages on, I can try to continue the topic – something I could never really do before in such a casual manner because none of my friends/colleagues actually like Formula One!

The argument that F1 is not accessible by fans isn’t as strong now; many of the Formula 1 teams have gone out of their way to engage with fans. For example the guys at McLaren ask for people’s predictions on race results, they offer comments and promote competitions, and Mike Gascoyne from Lotus has offered his personal views on the developments surrounding the recent Lotus-Renault re-branding project. Some teams are a bit slow in utilising the service, Ferrari do have a twitter feed but they offer little more than boring official statements (“Massa is coming out for first practise”) rather than anything of any real interest. Other teams have engaged with absolute enthusiasm, Virgin Racing may be the new kids on the block but they are prolific tweeters, and instead churning out boring official press releases there seems to be a real human touch behind them, and coupled with super fan Alex who has gone to watch every race of the season they have provided F1 Fans with a level of access only a small minority would have previously been able to experience.

There may well be teams and drivers tweeting away merrily, but the majority of content comes from fans – and particularly those who are involved in blogs (much grander than mine!) and websites dedicated to the sport. Over the last year or so I’ve enjoyed the sport more than ever before because I’ve been able to share the experience with hundreds of others who range from casual fans to those who have in-depth knowledge of the engineering of each flap and wing of the cars. There are fans who make me laugh, fans who swear a lot, fans who share my own views and fans who have given me a different perspective. Folk like myself who have never been to a race (I will one day – it’s my mission in life!) can feel closer to the sport because of the fantastic network which links fans, drivers, websites and teams.

If this is the way forward then I embrace it – for a sport which is infamously expensive to watch live, Twitter has provided a common medium for everyone involved in the sport at all levels to congregate. As more fans tweet, and as more teams realise the value they can provide by joining in too – then the experience is just going to get better. After all, where else can I read a comment direct from a Formula 1 world champion and then reply directly? Sport is always best when it's a shared experience and Twitter has enabled a thriving F1 community to develop.

F1 Legend: Jackie Stewart

Sometimes a sport struggles to contain a character who transcends the sport because of their ability to make it all look so easy. They work hard at getting involved in all levels of their sport from the highest level down to the minutia of behind-the-scenes development in order to make their performance look effortless. 

Jackie Stewart was one such sportsman – this triple world champion was a master of the track and at one point out-performed so much that he even had his car investigated to make sure he wasn’t cheating! It’s hard to think of a driver who has had a big an impact on Formula One as Jackie Stewart – the Flying Scot. Here’s a brief history of the legend himself….

Jackie had an unhappy time at school. His dyslexia was undiagnosed at the time and he was seen as an underachiever. He refers to his time there as “mentally abusive” as he was routinely made to feel stupid, but he also considers that it made him work harder to try and succeed at whatever he tried his hand at. When he left school at 15, despite his petrol-head family (his father ran a garage and his brother Jimmy was a fairly successful local racing driver) Jackie focused on a different sport; he was an excellent clay-pigeon shooter and won many awards, he nearly made it into the Olympic team but he botched his trial and didn’t make it, it’s something he still regrets.

Being liberated from school allowed him to spend time out with his brother, he soon met a girl and the lovely Helen soon became his wife.  He eventually followed his brother into racing and he did it anonymously for a while so as not to upset his mother, it backfired though and when he announced his intentions to do it professionally she resented his lying and there was an animosity between them. It was clear that he had a natural talent, the young driver mastered every racing tournament he entered, but it was small-time racing. That is until he received a call from Ken Tyrrell to test in single seater racing - he was more than impressive, he was faster than established drivers such as Bruce McLaren! It wasn’t long before he progressed up to Formula 1, though only after knocking back several offers while he fine tuned his skills in Formula 3. His Formula 1 one debut saw him partnering the legendary Graham Hill at BRM. Jackie was surprised by his own pace, he was as fast or even faster than drivers who were his heroes. Hill and Stewart were highly competitive but always respected each other, Hill even helped to rescue him from a terrible accident in ’66 which had an everlasting effect on Jackie – he was sat in a puddle of fuel with no official help available. Spanners were borrowed from the crowd to remove him from the twisted wreckage.

The BRM was becoming less competitive than it once was and old friend Ken Tyrrell formed his own F1 team, he’d heard Ferrari were after Jackie and didn’t want to lose him to a non-British team. The new Tyrrell team with Jackie in the racing seat weren’t expected to be front runners – but in their maiden race at a rainy Nurburgring Jackie convincingly won the race - there were over 4 minutes between him and second place! There were many successes and the following year (1969) Jackie won the world Championship.

Two years later there was real drama in Jackie Stewart's quest for a second world championship. His V8 engine should have meant he languished behind the V12s and simply battled to be the best of the other V8 cars - but he astonished everyone by continually dominating races. Even when he was pipped from the starting grid he would re-claim the lead at the first corners. In fact - he performed so well in an underpowered car that his fuel was inspected and his engine dismantled to check that he wasn't cheating!

During the 1970’s there was a definitive change in the way sports personalities were viewed by the public. Sports stars were now treated like pop-stars and Jackie Stewart merchandise flew off the shelves. He even had a trademark look with large sideburns and long hair peeking out from under his black hat – the style was his wife’s idea, Helen found it very sexy! The look became fashionable and future champion Emmerson Fittipaldi adopted it too. Fittipaldi recently gave one of my all time favourite F1 quotes when reflecting on his thoughts at the time:

“Jackie has big sideburns and he’s going fast – I need to have bigger ones to go faster than him!”

1973 saw Jackie win his third championship title, his second with Tyrrell. The Tyrrell team were a small outfit, and Jackie’s relationship with Ken Tyrrell was more like a father-son relationship rather than Manager-driver. The two never had any contracts in their F1 career together, they trusted each other absolutely. Francois Cevert was a welcome addition to the ‘family’ when he joined as Jackie’s driving partner. He was jokingly described by Jackie as “too good looking” and the two formed a good friendship. Cevert was seen as Jackie’s protégé, someone to continue the winning streak once the Scot retired. Although the year resulted in a driver championship it was a dark year for the team. During practice for what would have been Jackie’s 100th Formula One race, Cevert crashed badly and a metal barrier cut through his car. His injuries were so severe that he was pronounced dead straight away, Jackie was one of the first on the scene and it confirmed to him that it was time to retire. Jackie had been under stress recently as he had involved himself in racing competitions all over the world, it had made him ill (causing him to make mistakes and even miss a race) and coupled with such a personal loss the decision was an easy one, and Jackie Stewart retired on career high – a third world championship.

The championships, the flare, the glamour and the record number of wins  - it was an impressive racing career but if you were to ask Sir John Stewart which achievement he was most proud of, he would no doubt say it was his influence on driver safety. Every year drivers died at tracks which were poorly equipped and badly staffed. Jackie increased pressure to improve conditions and the sport which had previously seen drivers leave if they didn’t like the conditions, realised that it had to change. He became a spokesperson for driver safety, his constant campaigning for improvements helped to make Formula One as safe as it is today. Medical support, ambulances and even fire extinguishers at tracks were introduced as a direct result of Jackie’s insistence that the venues had to provide safe conditions for the drivers there. Such changes are an important legacy which both fans and drivers alike can be thankful for.

Life after Formula One was no less interesting, his appearance in adverts led to a growing popularity in America – which was something of a surprise considering his thick accent. Aware of ‘brand Stewart’ he built himself up as a commercial brand and also took part in TV commentary for racing events. His natural charisma and strong personality shone through and led to regular TV work. He also found himself back as a car tester, but this time for domestic manufacturers. He actually earned more after F1 than he did as a racer!

Of course, he returned to Formula One twenty years later when along with his sons they created Stewart GP.  Murray Walker described the business world of F1 as a ‘Piranha Club’ where the businessmen cut each other to ribbons. Jackie and his two boys didn’t enjoy the experience, it was tense and stressful. Things looked good for the team – a 2nd place finish at Monaco in the teams 5th ever race signalled a bright future. But it never really happened and the team struggled to win points. The third season, though not great, saw some successes however and the team finished 4th in the constructor’s table. The three Stewarts were tired by the whole thing and son Paul was very ill fighting cancer, after three seasons and a place on each step of the podium it was a dignified bow out of the sport as the team was bought by Ford and renamed Jaguar.  That team went on to eventually become Red Bull – but that’s another story.

Jackie Stewart was a great Formula One driver whose influence extended well beyond that of race winner and champion. He raced during a time where the sport was transforming into the modern, media-attracting, glamorous spectacle that we love today. He was a driver who did what only a few great racers can do – he existed symbiotically with the car and could squeeze out of it levels of performance that few others could. He also made racing take a progressive attitude towards safety, without Jackie Stewart perhaps we would have been robbed of more great drivers.

Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/F1_Dan1980

F1 2011 Car Launches

I always get excited about the car launches, I watched as much online as possible last year and shall be doing the same this year!

To help me get organised I will maintain a schedule of car launch dates - it's a sparsely populated list at the moment but I will add to it as more teams announce their launch dates. Expect a flurry during January as testing begins in February - hopefully HRT will be ready this year.

Red Bull          -->  1st week of Feb (RB7)*

Mclaren           -->  4th  February (MP4-26)

Ferrari           -->  28th January  (F150)

Mercedes          -->  1st  Feruary  (W02)

Renault           -->  31st January  (R31)

Williams          -->  1st  February (FW33)

Force India       -->  10th February (VJM-04)

Sauber            -->  31st January  (C30)

Toro Rosso        -->  1st  February (STR6)

Lotus             -->  1st week of Feb (T128?)*

HRT               -->  10th February (F111?)

Virgin            -->  7th February (MVR-02)

* Exact date not yet confirmed.

As I say, I'll keep updating the list.

The 2010 Formula 1 Constructor's Beauty Contest:

The championship is over; 2010 saw Red Bull and Seb Vettel take the top prizes in a season where the drivers crown wasn’t decided until the very last race.

As Renault and Force India battled for 6^th in the Constructor’s championship and McLaren strove to keep 2^nd place, the top five finished thusly:

1 Red Bull

2 McLaren Mercedes

3 Ferrari

4 Mercedes GP

5 Renault

But how does the Championship look if we do away with the necessity to actually win races and score points? What if we take the Championship down to the shallowest level there is and base the positions on how nice the car looks?!!

So here it is, “The Top 5 2010 Formula 1 Constructors Beauty Contest”….

5 - Red Bull

I’d never been a fan of the blue Red Bull livery, but when you see it during a night race, the blue takes on an electric sparkle and it never looks the same again. Toro Rosso’s brighter twin – the Red Bull has a mass block of blue, tipped with the signature red and yellow from the Red Bull logo. It’s a look which goes with the brand, it’s modern, a bit funky – and full of energy!

4 - Lotus

I was initially disappointed when I saw Lotus’ green paint-job. Like many others I was hoping for a new John Player Special with black and gold (which we’ll get to see next year!). But it’s grown on me and the classic green is a great nod to the heritage of the Lotus name.

3 - McLaren

I’ve got a soft spot for McLaren, I’ve collected a few models and the colour scheme looks beautiful. There’s no real change to the paintwork in 2010 from last year – but the metallic silver and rocket red is superb. The reflective body has an almost organic quality, as light conditions change – so does the car as lights dance along the sleek lines. The McLarens have demonstrated to Mercedes what a silver car ought to look like!

2 - Virgin

This is the most exciting car paintwork of all the teams. Even Gok Wan would agree that black and red are a killer combination, but it’s not just the colours that make this design stand out – look at the ‘tattoo’ on the front wing! The swirly decal looks like a cross between a floral print and a Celtic symbol – but whatever it is, it looks cool. It features on their merchandise too and is the second best reason to buy a VR shirt*! If I can scrape together enough pennies then I hope to be wearing a Virgin top as well as my McLaren one next season! Virgin show flare and creativity, they are the only team which can start from the back of the grid and still look like the cool kid at school, they would have been number 1 on the list if it weren’t for the sheer bravery of….

1 - Renault

Renault! They’ve dumped French Euro-Chic and but stuck to their old racing colour – yellow. Yellow cars get a tough time, nobody seems to like them – but Renault have made it work big style with the R30.  The yellow and black design make it look like a supercharged wasp. This is going to be a controversial choice for number 1, when it was launched I saw people recoil in horror when they saw the photos, but I feel I have to defend it. The colour scheme is so simple and yet so bold. It’s glossy, and smooth and uncluttered. I absolutely love it.

So here’s the new adjusted Constructors top 5.

FIA official standing:       Beauty Contest Winners:

1 Red Bull            -->    1 Renault

2 McLaren Mercedes    -->    2 Virgin

3 Ferrari             -->    3 McLaren

4 Mercedes GP         -->    4 Lotus 

5 Renault             -->    5 Red Bull

Want to see the cars? I would have posted pictures here but I want the blog to be as uncluttered as possible (for reading on smaller/mobile screens) – don’t be lazy – do a Google image search!

[* The first reason obviously being that they are a Yorkshire team! It’s something I mention quite regularly!]

Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/F1_Dan1980

F1 2010 Driver Championship: The Movie!

With the tension building to almost unbearable levels over who will clinch the 2010 Driver Championship, I've read many opinions and statistics on the possible outcome. It's the sort of drama you experience watching a film which makes you wonder how the race could be interpreted on the big screen. 

So here are a few possible conclusions to the Abu-Dhabi race presented in various film styles...

 

Lewis Hamilton on top of the world: The Period Drama.

The Lord Lewis of Hamilton (wearing his lucky tights and favourite codpiece) strode up to the Gentleman known as Master Fernando and announced that he intended to duel him. The good sir agreed and the two entered their chariots to commence racing. Pretty soon the silver steed of Hamilton managed to tire Fernando's prancing horse and the red-clad stallion sputtered to a halt. As Master Fernando walked dejected to the side of the arena, Lord Hamilton witnessed another duel up ahead. Markus Webber and and Sir Bastion Vettel were coming close to fisticuffs as the wheels of their chariots met on several occasions. "Thou art driving like a lunatic" exclaimed Sir Bastion as he gestured that Webber was perhaps mentally defective. The two rode parallel, pushing to the very limit as each sought to complete the race first. However, as both steered to the left, further contact was made and the bull powered chariots collided in such a fashion that both were rendered quite useless.
Lord Lewis sped on through the carnage, waving his handkerchief to the crowd and bidding farewell to the gentlemen who had tried but failed to reach the end of the race. That evening over crumpets and tea, Lord Lewis felt positively on top of the world as he looked over at his new trophy. 

Webber wins the championship: in French film-noir.

The sound of a Rouge-Bull engine fills the speakers as a grainy black and white RB6 enters the screen before disappearing into the dusky Yas Marina Bay distance. After dominating the race with monsieurs Webber and Alonso behind, Vettel with one hand on the wheel, slowly removes his cigarette before mumbling that it's time to "balance things out, mon amis". His hand replaces the cigarette so that it hangs loosely on his lips, he then relaxes the throttle and Webber pulls ahead to take the win. As the two team mates step out of their cars after a lap of honour they embrace and walk away with arms around shoulders. The champagne sprayed over the crowd moments later is an oak matured, zesty little number from a compact family-run vineyard.

Alonso clinches 3^rd Driver crown: The American dream – a Hollywood account.

It's the last race of the season - the Philadelphia Grand Prix. We see Fernando 'the Fonz' Alonso talking in an American accent during an interview before the race. His record breaking qualifying lap has created a buzz and the paddock is in awe. He starts the race well in his Ford Ferrari (sporting a 'stars and stripes' paint-job) and looks set for an easy win. But there's disaster in the pits for team mate Randy Massa, and Fonz Alonso stops to assist the mechanics. Now at the back of the pack Alonso has to battle through to the front. As he attempts overtaking manoeuvres never before believed possible he inspires those who watch him and battles with nemesis Petrov in a shameful exploitation of Cold War prejudice to clinch a win in front of a whooping crowd.  As he stands on the highest step on the podium he shouts "God bless America" and tells kids that drugs are wrong before marrying his fiancée at Elvis themed ceremony.

Vettel becomes world champ: The ‘Carry On’ film style farce.

Seb Vettel is a cheeky young driver  who has enjoyed an night of naughty exploits in order to relax for the big race. He stifles a grin as Alonso (played by Sid James) boasts to him and Webber that he’s already done it twice already and fancies doing it a third time in front of everybody on the track. He moves along the pit wall to be interviewed by mini-skirt clad journalist who giggles before asking him if she can touch his helmet. After a series of innuendo-laced questions (“Will Alonso come at you from behind?”) it’s time to clear the track and start the race.

Vettel doesn’t get off to a good start, he falls to fourth behind his team mate, Hamilton, and Alonso. But midway through the race both Webber and Hamilton are distracted by the local outdoors keep-fit club when a move involving arms being flung out to the side results in the pinging off of a bra. Both drivers swerve off into the gravel and Alonso’s car overheats when an air-duct is blocked by a rogue airborne brazier. Vettel cruises to an easy victory while a group of girls giggle at the commentator referring to Kubica as an “excited Pole”. 

Catch up with me on twitter: twitter.com/F1_Dan1980